Thinking that I should know where I’m going.
Wondering if lacking motivation equals unhappiness.
Knowing that it doesn’t.
I read somewhere, I can’t remember where exactly, that lacking direction equates to a drop in satisfaction or happiness. I’m not so sure I agree with that. (I’m right back with the should aren’t I? See, I’m still struggling with letting that go.)
There are so many areas I’m currently navigating and I don’t know where I want to go – work, running, – areas where the end is just so far away that I don’t even want to think about it. Maybe I’m circumventing instead of navigating? Who knows.
Take inventory – I haven’t done this in a good long while. Its paralyzing. At least for me. Which means I don’t act. I don’t think. I don’t decide. When there is no clear direction, my actions just seem to float. They are certainly not grounded in any idea, purpose or intention. I just go and do. They are just out there, being done. I’m mostly operating out of habit.
But I’m not unhappy. My life is really good right now. Yet following me is this lurking shadow of Purpose.
In that I need Purpose.
In that I’m floundering and wasting time because I don’t have Purpose.
What a load of shit, my friends. I’m not going to set a goal just to say I’m working towards Purpose. I’m telling myself that I’m perfectly content in habit. I run when I feel like running because I like to run. Not because I registered for a marathon. I practice yoga because I like yoga. Not because I need to master Adho Mukha Vrksasana. I bike because… well, I guess I do have Purpose there.
Eventually I’ll get there. I’ll get to a point in my running where my feet stop hurting and I can run further than a 5k. Once I’m there, I’m positive that I’ll register for a long race and I’ll then have Purpose. I may never be able to do a handstand in the middle of the room, but I’m ok kicking up against the wall.
Eventually I’ll find a career opportunity that is just right. And then I’ll put a plan together and work towards that Purpose.
I don’t know which road to take right now. But that grinning cat says it doesn’t matter.